The Myth of “Nice” vs. The Power of Assertiveness
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated with yourself, wishing you had spoken up, set a boundary, or simply said what you really meant—without softening it?
Maybe you agreed to something you didn’t actually want to do. Maybe you let a comment slide that rubbed you the wrong way. Maybe you found yourself overexplaining a simple decision, just to make sure no one thought you were being “difficult.”
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
But first, let’s get one thing straight—being “nice” and being kind are not the same thing.
And you can be Kind AND Assertive at the exact same time.
Women are conditioned to believe that being “nice” is the price of acceptance. That if we’re agreeable, accommodating, and don’t rock the boat, we’ll be liked, respected, and valued. But here’s the truth:
“Nice” often means suppressing your needs to make others comfortable.
Kindness means honoring your needs while respecting others.
One leads to burnout and resentment. The other leads to confidence and self-respect.
Why Women Struggle with Assertiveness
If you’ve ever hesitated to say what you really think, worried about “sounding rude,” or softened your opinions to avoid pushback—you’re not alone. Women are often taught:
To avoid conflict at all costs
That assertiveness equals aggression (it doesn’t)
That being liked is more important than being respected
But here’s the truth: Assertiveness is not about being bossy or harsh—it’s about being clear, direct, and unapologetic about your boundaries. It’s a skill you can build, and when you do, everything changes.
The Cost of Being “Too Nice”
If you’ve ever found yourself:
Overexplaining a simple request
Apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong
Saying yes when you wanted to say no
Feeling resentful because people take advantage of your kindness
Then it’s time to rethink what being “nice” is really costing you. People respect clarity and confidence—not hesitation and self-sacrifice.
Quick Mindset Shift
The next time you hesitate to speak up, ask yourself:
"Am I being nice to avoid discomfort, or am I being kind by being honest?"
Real kindness is honest and direct. It allows people to understand your needs and respect your boundaries.
Action Step: A Simple Assertiveness Shift
Pay attention to how you phrase your thoughts. Try swapping out these common softening phrases:
Instead of: “I’m sorry, but I think we should...” Say: “I believe we should...”
Instead of: “I don’t know if this makes sense, but...” Say: “Here’s my perspective...”
Instead of: “I just wanted to say…” Say: “I want to add...”
Small changes in language lead to big shifts in how people perceive you—and more importantly, how you perceive yourself.
Your Challenge This Week
Notice where you soften your words out of fear of being "too much." Try using one of the assertiveness swaps above and see how it feels.
The more you practice, the more natural it will become. And remember—owning your voice is an act of self-respect.
I’d love to hear from you. Where do you notice yourself holding back? Hit reply and let me know.
To owning power,
Dr. Zoe Rapoport